Friday, December 9, 2011

The Gingrinch

I realized, once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary, over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore, that given his entire history and numerous quotes and policy stances, that Newt Gingrich really is the archetypal bad-guy from many a children's story and fairy tale. Hence, I have decided, and am no less pleased than Punch, that Mr. Gingrich's name so closely resembles one of said villains - namely, The Grinch (the jury is still out as to whether or not Mr. Gingrich's heart will eventually grow three sizes). Hence, the Gingrinch.

I have taken it upon myself to do as others in my generation, and condense several children's stories down to their Twitter-type essence. Consider the following as a moment in revisionist history.

  • Newt Gingrich finds no evidence of discrimination in the case of Rudolph v. Other Reindeer, tells Mr. Red-Nosed to "get a job after you take a bath." #thegingrinch
  • Newt Gingrich issues press release condemning Ebenezer Scrooge for gifting a turkey to the Cratchit family. Claims this will only promote a welfare state and that Tiny Tim should have gotten a job as a janitor to support his family. #thegingrinch
  • Newt Gingrich, following the Singapore model, will seek the execution of a young girl named "Alice," accused, among other things, of taking a drugged "potion," eating a drugged "cake," and on at least two separate occasions, consuming drugged "mushrooms." In a related story, Newt "The Professor Moriarty" Gingrich will lead a manhunt for one Sherlock Holmes, ordered for execution for known opium usage. #thegingrinch
  • Breaking: Newt Gingrich plans investigation of citizens of Whoville for alleged communist and un-American behavior. Gingrich sites disregard for capitalist gains and products as primary reason. Working closely with special agent based out of Mt. Crumpit. #thegingrinch
  • Newt Gingrich responds to request from a young Mr. Twist reading "Please sir, may I have some more" with the following: "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard." Rick Santorum also issued a press release, claiming that Mr. Twist was likely obese anyway and deserved no more social welfare. #thegingrinch

I'm sure many more will come. Please, suggest your own.

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